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It is nearly time for the football season to start again, while the Scottish league started last weekend that doesn’t really count as no one cares but here comes the real deal; the cream of the crop, the best of the best, the crème de la crème, the top banana, the Christmas pudding, the top brass, the King Kong of soccer, the cat’s pyjamas, the dog’s bollocks, the badgers nadgers. The money grubbing, soul crushing, weekend devouring behemoth that is the English Premier League.

Little red pens at the ready, dust off your one liners, nab some sachets of your favourite condiment and remember that this could be your teams year. Unless you support Arsenal…

Practice your swearing, terrace chanting, Mexican waving and of course vuvuzela smuggling. Buy the new top or go with the old one plus hoodie as it looks pretty darn similar, research Johnny Foreigner, dust down the stat book and rummage about for that old VHS copy of Fantasy Football League starring Messrs Baddiel and Skinner, play The Pools, wonder if The Pools still exists and discuss the possibility of learning the Poznan.

Pledge undying loyalty to the cause, ridicule fat Bob who hangs about the centre circle doing sweet f.a, search high and low for your passport before realising you can’t get time off for a wee jaunt to Aktobe, consider breaking your arm, be thankful that you don’t live in America and vow to plan for next season sooner.

Lament the passing of all standing areas, speak in adages, start sentences with: Back in my day, record Match of the Day, avoid Soccer Saturday, watch that episode of Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads, say moment a lot, complain that money is ruining the beautiful game, rub your hands in glee of the imminent arrival of major investment from China, take up five aside again and start getting the excuses in early.

Buy the comfiest chair in the world, make that corner of the bar your own, celebrate a win, drown your sorrows, find out that if you don’t change your pants they become lucky, ogle the barmaid, call her a tavern wench, find a new drinking establishment and develop a passion for takeaway food.

Above else enjoy the season and remember… there is always next year.

@DolefulDoug

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