Everyone has thought about what to do if the dead ever rise and start feasting on any available brains and if the Scouts taught me anything it is be prepared.

So I’m ready you shuffling, flesh eating son’s of bitches! Come and get me!!

I have a plan in place. Granted it is not a particularly in-depth set of actions but when the corpses of loved ones are chowing down on your forearm it is best to keep it simple.

So what is it Doug because we are now quite worried about this apocalyptic scenario you are describing.

Okay first it is play basketball:

Okay, not really but I’ve been itching to use that for quite some time. No first I’m going to grab some supplies. Bottles of water, unspoilable food and whatnot then I’m heading off to a boat and floating about in the middle of the Tay and waiting for it to all blow over. Simple, no use complicating it or worrying about  how to avoid becoming dinner for old Mrs Abernethy from down the road. I’m a cross that bridge when I come to it kinda guy or in this case decapitate that zombie when I’m confronted by it.

Of course as there are some simple rules that I will be following, just common sense really but for the intellectually challenged among you let me break it down.

1: Don’t go anywhere alone. Safety in numbers, more eyes to spot danger with and if the worst comes to the worst, well you don’t need to run faster than the hordes of the recently deceased just the slowest member of your group…

2: Wear tight fitting clothes. That long leather jacket you have hanging up in the cupboard is going to make you look particularly bad-ass but all it takes is a nail sticking out of somewhere to snag it or for a fallen biter to grasp the flowing coat and suddenly your wishing you weren’t so fashion conscious.

3.If anyone is bit the only solution is a bullet to the brain. I don’t care who it is; your wife, best friend since school, your mum (sorry mum) the only, THE ONLY solution is a bullet to the brain. Don’t stand about waiting for them to turn and kill the entire group. Put them out of their misery. In fact they should do the decent thing and copy Captain Oates… In some extreme circumstances the immediate removal of the affected limb may suffice. See The Walking Dead.

4: Don’t go around tempting fate. Saying “Is that all you’ve got” or “that was easy” may make you sound like the big man but it will also result in your death two seconds later.

5:When all else fails find a rifle, a pub a few close friends and some decent music:


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