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I’ve held off as long as I can but my love of Star Wars is forever bubbling to the surface. When I say Star Wars I mean of course; A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.

The prequels I don’t even consider. They make me sad, so I don’t think about them! Raped my childhood they did.

And as for the cartoons, well they are set in the same childhood destroying era so I have chosen never to watch them. They might be good, I will never know.

At long, long last however some hope is on the horizon courtesy of Disney and Mr Abrams. My final memory of Lucas’s galaxy will not be of Jake Lloyd asking Natalie Portman if she is an angel.

Dude she is like twice your age and your what, ten? Why on earth do you think that line is going to work?! Or are you being serious? Is there in fact a group of aliens called Angels and you genuinely believe she is one?
Either way you’re and idiot. Don’t get me wrong I love a good chat up line but but I normally go with: Can I stand here.

Anyway here are five things I want to see from the new trilogy.

1: A grumpy old Han Solo. No one does old and grumpy better than Harrison Ford, probably because he is a grumpy old man himself. I can totally see Han and Chewie sitting in a bar in some run down space port, Han reminiscing about the good old days and complaining that it is no fun going legit. Also if some cocksure green bounty hunter was to approach, well we all know Han would shoot first and ask questions later…

ta da

2: Boba Fett: Not just some little kid or sub standard place holder, I want the real deal. In proper Mandalorian armour, Wookie scalps hanging casually over his shoulder. If I had my way he could disintegrate anything he wanted. Before you start going didn’t he die at the Great Pit of Carkoon. Obviously he is far to bad-ass for that:

3: One villain(s) for the entire three films. Don’t introduce someone as kick-ass as Darth Maul in the first film just to have him killed one hour later. Now valuable time is going to be wasted in the next two movies giving us evil back story. We don’t NEED evil back story. Star Wars is quite a simplistic story. The baddies look like this:

star wars evil

And the goodies look like this:

star wars goodies

It is not a complex situation, the bad guys are bad guys because they are bad guys. It is characterisation by numbers but that is fine. I don’t need to know about the political situation or anything like that. Lucas based Star Wars on the adventure stories he grew up with. Simple, effective and a hell of  a lot of fun. On with the lightsaber battles.

4:If one of the main characters is to turn to the dark side make it believable: Maybe Luke is going to go all Anakin on us. Fine, not a problem. Just make it a bit more plausible than:

So Anakin, fancy joining the dark side?

I don’t think so, Obi-Wan warned me about that.

Ah go on.

Not a chance.

You can save your dying wife if you do.

For real?

Absolutely, I’m in no way evil and completely and utterly trustworthy. Why would I lie. I have no ulterior motive whatsoever, honest.

Well when you put it like that.

Wrong film but I think you will all agree that’s a pretty evil laugh!

5: NO.LENS.FLARE: Just don’t do it J J.

Do you want to see anything particular from the new Star Wars? Or is the thought of delving back into a galaxy far far away giving you the wiggins. After all, how can you top perfection?

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